The best thing we can do for our children. The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother Help children control their emotions

As responsible parents, we want to raise our child as prepared as possible for an independent life in this unpredictable world. But let's be honest: what many people mean by "preparing for independent living" is just a good formal education. From an early age, the child is taught mathematics, writing, science and other sciences, and a little later they are sent to a strong school. Of course, all this is useful and will definitely come in handy in adulthood, but is it enough to raise an unspoiled child?

Let's count how many times have you seen smart and educated children who are fixated on themselves and who are not even interested in the opinions, desires and interests of the people closest to them? How many times have you come across intelligent children who do not put their parents in anything (disrespect, rudeness, arrogance, arrogance, lies)? And how many times have you met excellent students who, already in adulthood, are completely dependent on their parents? Such children are often called spoiled. And the truth is that there is no such gene that could "spoil" the child. The only ones who can do this are his parents.

It is worth understanding one thing: a sympathetic, caring, disinterested child does not turn out by chance, this is the merit only of his parents. Because it is they who have a key influence on the baby. Your child is a reflection of yourself. Therefore, the best advice for an ideal child is to be a good example for him. But if everything was so simple, then there would be no problems with education.

Here are some tips that can help you raise a generous, caring, and responsible person. Before you read them, ask yourself what character traits do you want to see in your child in a few years? Let your answers become your cherished goal that you will pursue while raising your child.

1. Love but set boundaries

Raising an unspoiled child is always a balancing act between two extremes: love and limits, warmth and strictness, generosity and rejection.

Every morning ask yourself: “If I could teach my son (daughter) just one thing today, what would it be?”. Check if the answer is consistent with your goals that you are pursuing in education. In the evening, ask a security question: “What did I teach my child today?”.

2. Stop patronizing!

Good parenting is not about being sure that . It's more about teaching him how to deal with setbacks, rejections, mistakes, and adversity.

Constantly shielding a child from anything that can cause frustration will not help him master this critical skill. This will not teach him to overcome difficulties, relying only on his own strength.

Stop patronizing your child. Give him the opportunity to learn to manage his life on his own, while mistakes are not so painful.

3. Learn to empathize

Unspoiled children are taught not to always put themselves first. Instead, they know how to take into account the opinions, desires and interests of the people around them (especially those close to them).

Empathy is an ability that enables a small person to think and look at what is happening from the perspective of another. This is the foundation for the development of such character traits as respect, restraint, kindness, selflessness.

4. Develop Financial Responsibility

One of our main tasks as parents is to teach a child to live, relying only on himself. This means that we must teach him on our own, and not wait for endless handouts from parents.

If you're feeling like a "golden ATM" for your kids, then the smartest thing to do would be to close your wallet.

An unspoiled child is one who understands the words "no" and "not now."

5. Say "no" without guilt.

The constant satisfaction of the desires of the child will not help to teach him that life will not always go according to his plan. Add it to your vocabulary and don't feel guilty when you have to say it. Believe me, in the long run, your children will still be grateful to you for this.

6. Learn to give, not just receive

Give your children the opportunity to understand that they can change lives simply by giving or doing something for other people. Indeed, many of them do not even realize that this is possible.

Somewhere I came across an article that said that generous children are not only less selfish and more appreciative of others, but also happier in life.

One of the best ways to keep your child safe is to periodically involve him in volunteer work that does not involve material rewards.

7. Replace "I" with "We"

Children are self-centered. They think that the world revolves only around them. They are more concerned with themselves and their own needs, and they do not pay attention to the opinions and desires of others. And in order not to let them get hung up only on themselves, you need to take them away from the endless “I-I-I” and teach them to think in the “we-we-we” format.

Here are some simple expressions you can use when referring to your child:

• Let's ask Masha, what would she like to do?
• Remember, we always share!
• Ask your friend what he would like to play?
• Now it's your brother's turn.
• Let's help mom clean up the room.

Try to always emphasize "we".

Conclusion

Parenting is not a popularity contest! There will be many times when you will have to make a choice, and your child will not always like it. But if you have made a decision, follow it to the end.

Understand one important thing: you are responsible for your child, and he, in turn, needs you to grow up to be kind, caring, responsible and considerate to other people.

Irina Lukyanova

Talk about school bullying in society and the media has been going on for a long time. Now, it seems that no one needs to be convinced that the problem exists, that bullying must be fought - and that the school and the teacher play a key role in the fight against bullying in schools.

Any theoretical conversation about school bullying rests on practice. What to do with her?

Here the problem is immediately divided into three streams:what the child himself, his parents and teachers can do.

What can a child do

Pretty little. Few adults in their adult life have to deal with daily beatings, rejection, neglect, insults. The experience that a child faces in a situation of bullying, ordinary adults have to go through only in prison or a penal colony - or in a situation of domestic violence, which also few people are able to cope on their own. At the same time, the child does not yet have adult problem-solving skills, does not know how to look into the future and see that “tomorrow will be another day” - he does not have any adult tools for solving the problem at all.

Yes, some children have personal characteristics that make them favorable targets for bullying: for example, they overreact to insults, losses, attacks. But they are not the only ones being bullied. They poison anyone according to any principle.

Yes, it is quite possible to teach a child not to react to provocations - that is, to show very adult qualities: restraint, the ability to understand and analyze one's own behavior and the behavior of others, self-control. Are these qualities useful? Highly. Is it possible to expect that the child will systematically manifest them? Unlikely. Do they need to be educated? Need. Will it stop bullying? No. At best, it will give the child the skills to survive in an aggressive environment.

The early experience of experiencing a trauma is not the most necessary experience for a person, as well as the experience of serious illnesses, operations, getting into emergency situations - and rehabilitation after that. Yes, a person who has experienced this may grow up early, act heroically, etc. But it would never occur to anyone to argue that experiencing severe trauma is good for spiritual growth. And bullying certainly injures, and it hurts hard, its consequences remain with a person for his entire life - there is a large amount of scientific evidence that confirms this.

Bullying is not due to the personal qualities of the victim - psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya clearly spoke about this at the round table.

Bullying is conditioned by the qualities of the group in which the victim is located, the unwritten rules of this group and the position of its leader.

The victim needs to be helped, but that's not the point.

What can parents do

They can notice in time that the child is being bullied. They can figure out whether it is possible to cope with bullying, stop it, or whether it is necessary to take the child out of a situation that traumatizes him. If the situation has not yet become a threat to the mental health of the child and his safety, they can talk to the offenders. True, this often ends badly, because adults begin to use violence and threaten other people's children. Or other people's children wanted to sneeze on these adults.

Parents can teach their child ways of self-defense that do not endanger his life and health - and also the life and health of others. They can teach him the same adult survival skills in an aggressive environment, which were discussed above. But that doesn't solve the problem either.

Unfortunately, more often than not, parents either cannot help the student at all, or the only way they can help is to retaliate against the offender - and even with an excess of violence in order to "discourage". This does not stop the persecution either, but it entails a new round of war, but already at a new, adult level.

Finally, parents can enlist the teacher as an ally, because without his participation it is impossible to cope with group bullying.

In order to cope with it, you need to change the atmosphere and the rules of interaction in the group.

How a teacher can help

How many times have I come across the fact that even very good, sincerely wishing children well teachers ask: what can I do in this situation? What should I do? Who will help me? What methods exist?

Teacher and I'm defenseless before weeding. He himself, when faced with problematic childhood behavior, often behaves like a confused, offended, angry child. He himself usually does not possess those adult qualities that supporters of the idea of ​​“teaching the victim to cope with bullying” suggest growing in a child. Cultivating qualities is a good idea, very useful, it strengthens the position of the victim in an aggressive environment and helps her not feel like a victim - but does not make the environment less aggressive.

Even worse: as a rule, the teacher does not have professional tools to cope with students. Methods for managing behavior in a group are not included in the program of his professional training and retraining.

The old school was based on the unconditional authority of the teacher and the adult in general - and on the subordination of the younger to the elders. As a child, I heard countless times from teachers: “you are still small to have your own opinion”, “who are you to be respected”, “first achieve something, and then we will respect.” When the pendulum swung the other way, the idea appeared that in order for a child to have respect for a person, a person, to value his opinion. But the teacher has lost this a priori respect: but first, prove that you should be respected and appreciated.

The teacher, deprived of a priori respect, unable to resort to suppression, coercion and violence, remained helpless. There is no public consensus about why a child should go to school and why he should obey a teacher; families themselves are not particularly convinced that the child should respect the teacher and obey him; the relationship between the school, parents and the child in this area, as a rule, is completely unregulated, and no one has given the teacher new pedagogical tools for working with children who are completely unprepared to respect him a priori.

If not a teacher, then one of the children will become the leader

Under these conditions, teachers themselves invent bicycles that would allow the class to move at least somewhere and keep order in the classroom: someone talks heart to heart with the children on class hours, someone tries to attract the most "notorious" to their side, to make their own assistants, someone personally arranges terror and dictatorship in the classroom, someone tries to gain authority by improving professionally. The school as a whole and the individual teacher usually do not have systemic ideas about what can be done.

Worse than that - this is what I talked about at the round table - very often schools say: parents should educate at home, and our job is to teach. And parents support: your job is to teach, and all your educational activities are nonsense, they waste time in vain, we ourselves raise the child the way we need.

Yes, and the school most often requires: bring an already educated person, do work with him at home. The problem is that it is impossible to cultivate the ability to behave in a team at home - just as it is impossible to learn how to swim on land. When a child enters school, he is a member of a group in which group dynamics operate. If the teacher does not become the leader in the group, if he does not set his own rules of interaction, one of the children will become the leader, and the rules will be formed spontaneously. And no class hours on the topic “Lessons of Kindness” will change these rules.

Explanations don't work

Lyudmila Petranovskaya said at the round table: bullying prevention is not a matter of education, it is a matter of safety.

The physical and mental safety of students, maintaining the working atmosphere in the classroom is the task of the teacher and the school. It is the teacher, and not the parents at home, who is responsible for ensuring that all children have the opportunity to work in the classroom. It is the school, and not the parents at home, that is responsible for ensuring that the children, while they are within its walls, do not receive injuries - neither mental nor physical.

But the Russian education system is still stalling in the seventies and eighties. If you look at what schools post on their websites, and teachers on the websites of festivals of pedagogical ideas, you can see that school “plans of educational and methodological events” have not changed since my Soviet childhood - except that “events in memory of the tragedy in Beslan” were added ”, and instead of “communist education”, a “spiritual and moral” arose. The school is still trying to explain to children with pathos and examples from fiction that it is good to be a good person and bad to be a bad person. That we should have compassion for those who suffer and help those in need. And the explanations don't work.

When it comes to war, everything seems to be clear there: black here, white here, enemies here, heroes here. And when it is everyday life, where everything is not black and white, but multi-colored?

How to help students understand where the line is between just indignation at someone else's act and bullying? When are they just chatting, and when are they engaging in gossip? Where does the joke end and cyberbullying begin? What to do if your photo was made into a school meme? How to avoid becoming a victim of blackmail on the Internet? How to distinguish the expression of one's own opinion from an insult? How to help a person who is being bullied without becoming a victim of bullying yourself?

Where can I find specific answers?

Communication skills, communication without verbal and physical violence, the ability to seek compromises, resolve conflicts, negotiate, resist verbal and physical violence and cyberbullying - schools really need programs that “pump these skills”, as children say. Children need them too - not to make them comfortable for adults, but to develop their emotional intelligence, which is now considered an important professional skill and a serious competitive advantage in the world of tomorrow's business (this is if you need to explain to parents why teach them children to negotiate with the opponent, and not to suppress him).

And such manuals exist; President of the Center for Problems of Autism Ekaterina Men and President of ANO BO Zhuravlik, founder of the TravliNet program Olga Zhuravskaya spoke about this at the round table - for example, developments for a class hour on the topic “gossip”, a dictionary for a teacher “how to make a remark without offending a student” .

With all this, public organizations can and should go to the educational authorities, administrations of pedagogical universities and advanced training courses for teachers - but they need to move in the opposite direction.

What public organizations can do is create manuals for specific school problems. Find legal solutions for difficult situations (a typical situation is, for example, this: a child is aggressive, insults and beats classmates, parents profess the principle “who is stronger is right”, refuse to cooperate and do not give the school permission to work with a psychologist with their child; school , which should protect other children, throws up his hands in confusion). Communicate these legal decisions to schools and teachers. Eliminate the legal vacuum in parental and pedagogical consciousness so that conflicts are resolved by negotiations, and not by violence, screams and complaints to the Prosecutor General's Office.

What a school and a particular teacher can do is look for these solutions, cooperate with public organizations, implement their experience at home, without complaining about their own defenselessness in the face of ill-mannered children and their aggressive parents. We ourselves become laboratories where good solutions ripen. And for those who have faced bullying in their personal professional experience - to improve their skills themselves, look for those who prepare solutions, accumulate resources, collect methods and best practices for themselves and colleagues.

The problem is clear - perhaps it is time for society to move from discussing the problem to setting and solving specific problems; it’s good that the Galchonok and Zhuravlik foundations are doing this, so that a typical teacher’s question “Where to get the methods” can be given specific answers. For example, on the travlinet.rf website, you can get Lyudmila Petranovskaya's manual for teachers and a manual for children in pdf format.

In principle, this is not the only resource on school bullying. A lot of useful materials are in the project of Daria Nevskaya "Mobbing.net".

A lot of materials on school bullying are collected on the site dedicated to helping victims of violence "Willow Branch".

I do not set a goal here to list all the useful resources on school bullying: let the seeker find it. I’m rather talking about the fact that it’s time for teachers to get out of the position of the victim, shrug their shoulders and complain about their own helplessness. It is quite possible to do something - and you can connect to the project.

Ecology of life: Children, like sponges, absorb from mom and dad the model of family relationships, as well as possible roles. Subconsciously. You can tell them anything, tell them how it should be. But the girl, looking at the attitude of her father to her mother, will remember what kind of attitude she herself deserves from her future husband, how dependent she is in the family or how free in her choices and actions. A boy will learn all this in a mirror image - how to treat his wife, what is the role of a husband, etc.

The comments were different, but the following opinion was closest to me: “For a complete family of love, yes. But I have seen families where they do not get divorced just to “not injure the child.” Mbetween parents - courtesy and cost-effective interaction. To children, dad is gentle, affectionate, he does not have a soul in them, but they observe a completely crooked pattern of intra-family relations.I have doubts about their future attempts to build their own families. I can’t call such a father a wonderful father, because under the slogan of care and love, children are taught to live in falsehood and dislike.”

It really is. Children, like sponges, absorb from mom and dad a model of family relationships, as well as possible roles. Subconsciously. You can tell them anything, tell them how it should be. But the girl, looking at the attitude of her father towards her mother, will remember what kind of attitude she herself deserves from her future husband, how she can be treated and how not, how much a woman should be immersed in the family and how much her personal space is allocated, how dependent in the family or how free in their choices, actions. A boy will learn all this in a mirror image - how to treat his wife, what is the role of a husband, etc.

The childhood family model is a certain “comfort zone” for an adult. This does not mean at all that a person is good in it (as well as the fact that he is bad there).

Comfort zone- this is rather an ordinary model of the relationship between mom and dad, which enrolled in the subconscious in deep childhood.

Periodically, a person tries to return to it already in his own family. This often happens during a relationship crisis. Perhaps, at this moment, the childhood family model manifests itself most clearly. Remember the sharp points of the relationship, if there were any, analyze their causes, as well as the reactions and actions of each of the spouses. I think you will find many parallels with the families in which you and your husband grew up.

The crisis is overcome by those who are able to get out of the comfort zone, reconsider and reevaluate their views, master new communication skills.

As for the situation when parents live together for the sake of children. If the parents do not love each other, but nevertheless take wonderful care of the children, the children still read the emotional coldness and aloofness of mom and dad, the lack of communication between them, the lack of interest of parents in each other, the “everyone on their own” model. This will be their comfort zone - what they will consider acceptable subconsciously, as well as what they may struggle with in the future, what they will overcome.

This will be of interest to you:

So… “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”, “A husband should treat his wife the way he wants his son-in-law to treat his daughter”, and yes, “A good father is First of all, a good husband. Is not it so? published

Many parents have exam-like days. The child cries when he should sleep. What to do? Wait until he calms down, or take him in your arms? When a preschooler disobeys, do you need to calmly explain the rules of behavior to him or punish him? When you often face such situations, you start to worry about how to make the right choice. You think that the wrong choice can harm the child for life.

No worries. These little dramas are not as important as the overall approach to parenting. Consider the main factors influencing the life of a child.

Feeling of being able to handle something

You may be good at encouraging your child through conversation, praise, or rewards. However, it is much more difficult to step aside and allow him to solve complex life problems on his own. Psychologists say that children who are able to work on themselves are more likely to try new things, take risks and solve problems effectively. They are also better able to overcome obstacles and do not back down at the first difficulties.

Development Tips . If you see a child struggling to assemble a building toy or do their homework, don't intervene right away. Instead, help him find a way out of the situation. For example, you can explain to him what he did wrong and how it can be corrected. If he can't find a way out, offer him a solution ("What if we take this designer part?"). Then let the child try to solve the problem himself.

There is nothing wrong with praising your child sometimes, but you will give your child more if you allow him to recognize his achievements. Instead of telling him, “What a beautiful tower you have built!”, ask him, “How did you manage to build such a tall tower that does not fall?”

Also explain to your child that difficult tasks may not come right off the bat, but the recipe for success is to persevere. The child must understand that making mistakes is not only normal, but also a good way to learn something new.

Family values

Discuss with your spouse what values ​​you would like to pass on to your child. Young children should be taught kindness, patience, responsibility, honesty and perseverance. However, it is important not only to talk about them to the child, but also to set a good example.

Development Tips . When you watch TV or read with your child, focus on what positive qualities the child has and explain what these qualities are. If the child is still too young to understand what empathy is, you can explain it in simple terms: “It's good that you let your little brother play the computer game first. This means that you think about other people, and not just about yourself.

Show your child a good example. If you want your child to be honest, be honest yourself. Ask yourself: “If my child could see me now, what values ​​would he learn?”

Even the most patient parents can lose their self-control from time to time. But, if you want to form a close bond with your child, you must speak to him in a respectful manner, as you would with friends or colleagues. If you do this, the child will be more willing to listen to you and seek advice. By talking to your child in a certain way, you set an example for him, and over time he will communicate with you in the same way.

Development Tips . Try to look at the situation from the child's point of view. If your child is throwing a tantrum because he can't find his favorite toy, you might be annoyed by his reaction. Instead of abruptly saying, “Calm down. The toy is somewhere nearby”, show the child that you understand his feelings: “I understand that you are sad because you want to play with the bear. But he is hiding somewhere. Let's eat it."

Strengthen your relationship with your child

Happy parents give their children a sense of security and predictability. Children may not like it when they see you kissing your spouse or showing affection to each other, but this teaches them to build healthy relationships in the future.

Development advice. Set aside time that you will spend only with your spouse. It can even be half an hour each day after you put your baby to bed. Even better, go on dates every two weeks. This will not only strengthen your relationship with your spouse, but will also let your child know that you enjoy each other's company.

Try not to quarrel with your spouse in the presence of children. But, even if this happened, the child should see how you put up. This way, he can understand that your relationship is strong enough to withstand occasional fights.

Learn to manage your own stress

By watching you, the child learns to cope with his problems and disappointments. If you learn to manage stress or anger, you will set a good example for your child, as well as create a predictable and safe environment. As a result, the child will begin to think that the world around him is also safe.

Development Tips . First of all, learn to plan things more carefully. If your child has a graduation at school or kindergarten, reschedule everything planned for that day. Set aside money for family vacations well in advance of the holidays. Look for all sorts of ways to avoid unnecessary stress. For example, if you organize your kitchen cabinets, you will be able to find what you need even in a hurry. If you replace the rug that you constantly trip over, you will be less annoyed.

If you are constantly worried about work or child care, use relaxation techniques (yoga, meditation, deep breathing, etc.) or just talk to a friend or counselor.

Remember that life doesn't always go the way you planned. Take it easy on situations you can't control.

Kiss the child and show love to him

Numerous studies show that children who feel loved by their parents are more confident than their peers. Children have a need to feel loved. The feeling of affection promotes the production of the hormone oxytocin - the so-called "hormone of love", which neutralizes negative emotions and stress.

Development Tips . Tell your child you love him every time he goes to bed or goes to school. There are also many ways to show love without words. On a cool evening, when you are reading with your child, cover him with a blanket. Put a note in his breakfast box when you pack it for school (you can write, for example: "Bon appetit. Looking forward to seeing you at home").

The hugs of the parents make it clear to the child that they love him. On a stressful day, hugs reduce tension and make you smile.

Rate the post

Vkontakte